Uncontrolled spiral
I stared at the ceiling as the tears rolled down the side of my face. How did my life change so quickly? I'm only twenty one and my entire life already come crashing down. A month ago my life was almost perfect. And now... Now nothing was perfect. As the tears oozed out of my eyes more rapidly, my mind started to wonder to how it all began...
"Nusayba! Get up! We need to go!" My giddy, eighteen year sister, Ayesha, jumped on my bed in sheer excitement.
I rubbed my eyes in confusion. "Go where?" I asked groggily.
Ayesha looked at me in astonishment, her eyes wide. "Your final gown fitting! Now get up!" She pulled my blanket away from me and I willed myself to get up. I was getting married in a month and the wedding preparations were full underway. Our excitement levels were flying through the roof.
Two hours later, I was standing on a pedestal as the dressmaker fussed around me. Although I had a hearty breakfast this morning, I was feeling faint. As my mother and sister commented on my dress, I willed myself to smile in response. I really wasn't feeling too good. Suddenly, everything started to blur around me. I tried speaking but my mouth felt heavy. Everything seemed to happen in slow motion, I lost my balance as I tried screaming for help. The next second, everything went black.
My eyes fluttered open as I tried to gather my bearings. I gazed around. My family sat around me, chattering silently. The steady beep of a heart monitor and little cords connected to me suggested that I was in a hospital. I must have fainted.
"Nusayba! You're up! Finally! You really need to chill. All this excitement is clearly getting you." Ayesha exclaimed, good naturedly.
My father's worried eyes met mine. "Nusayba, you really need to relax. I'm sure it's nothing serious. The doctors took a few blood tests but they're sure it's just stress and excitement."
My mother just grabbed my hand, silently whispering duas.
I tried speaking but my mouth felt dry. Instead, I just smiled and tried to keep my eyes from closing.
The rest of the week went by in a blur. I was at home and most of the time, I had to relax, eat or drink another concoction my "mother's, friend's, sister's, aunty" swore would work. I felt relatively fine but my family insisted I was well rested. After all, I was getting married soon.
It was on that fateful Friday morning when the phone rang and my whole life started to spiral downwards. The doctor wanted a meeting with me. I didn't want to go alone so I told my parent's and they accompanied me.
We finally reached the doctor's office and she smiled warmly at us. "Please come in." She gestured towards the door.
I walked inside the office followed by my parent's. She started off by small chit chat but my nerves were shot. I couldn't concentrate on her mundane questions so I tried smiling and nodding simultaneously.
When her tone turned serious, I started listening. Most of what she said, I didn't understand but what I did understand was when she said, "I'm sorry, but you have been diagnosed with cancer. It's in its last stages."
The world felt like it tilted beneath me, the doctor's voice went faint. She asked me something and I just nodded.
Cancer. I had cancer.
"Nusayba? Are you awake?" Ayesha gently asked.
I opened my eyes, my reverie breaking. I kept on doing this to myself. I would replay the entire situation where I got diagnosed with stage four cancer. I knew I was going to die soon.
Allah had given me the opportunity to prepare for my death. To ask for forgiveness... Yet all I did was replay this scene that I wouldn't even remember when I would be six feet under.
The wedding plans had ended abruptly. All the money we spent was nothing more than a wastage. They could always just use the caterer for my funeral instead of the wedding. I turned my thoughts back to my sister who had been talking the entire time.
"And I read something that really got me thinking. Alhumdullillah, it's as if Allah eased my troubled heart. Listen to this." She cleared her throat and pulled out her phone.
"And they plan, and Allah also plans and Allah is the best of planners. This ayah is in the Qu'raan. At first, all I did was question Allah. But now... Now I realise that our plans are nothing. You have time to repent. Start now. And remember, if Allah wills, you could live longer than any of us!" Her words hit my heart. I still had time. I could repent. My plans resorted to nothing because Allah is the ultimate planner.
My parents smiled as my sister spoke. There was a sadness in their eyes and I was the reason for that. I wish I could take away the pain, the sadness. But the reality was that I had planned on getting married but Allah had planned to take me away. But who knew? Maybe I would live another twenty years... Or maybe another five hours.
In the end, this ayah would ring true:
"And they plan, and Allah also plans and Allah is the best of planners."
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